Is this getting to be boring?

It has been a month since I started working at the hospital. In the meantime, the comments on the blog have been steadily decreasing. I think it is due to the fact that most of my mails are centered around the time I spend at work. What can I do change this?

Anyway, I noticed some changes in my life in the last few weeks.

• I’m spending more and more time at the hospital
• I’m spending less and less time at home
• I’m not getting enough sleep on most days
• I’m not going for jogging on most days
• I’m not returning e-mails promptly
• I’m not spending any time with my dog
• I’m listening to songs written and recorded by myself only
• I’m not working out on most days

I think I should get rid of the latter 7 points very soon, but at the same time keep up the first one.

Checking out

I’m typing this in the one hour break I got to change and go back to the hospital after a tiring 24 hours of duty.

Yesterday, while I was having lunch at a restaurant nearby, a hot middle aged man with the ‘overhanging moustache’ came and sat in a table in front of mine facing me. I was checking him out initially. I got about 30 seconds of head start as he was busy ordering and chatting with his companions.

Then, he saw me looking at him and he made big time eye contact. I tried to not look into his eyes. But he kept checking me out in little stretches.

Of course, there might have been other reasons than my ‘hotness’ to make people stare at me; I was smeared bits of plaster of paris. But I felt happy of getting someone who I thought was hot to check me out. I even had an urge of going up and meeting this guy in person.

But I decided against it in the end. And it was one of the wisest thing to do. When I went back to the theatre, in a visit to the OT, I saw this guy standing with a patient whose surgery was being done.

Therefore, I kept the principle of not getting involved with patient or bystanders. At leat, I’m morally correct.

Dry Onam

It is the time of Onam in this part of the world. It is the biggest fesitval each year. Lots of history and mythology associated with it. I’m not going to go into depths of it and get myself bored.

I went out with a couple of my friends to check out the festivities. It was very disappointing. Even though there were a lot of people, and therefore, a number of hot silverfoxes, the whole thing was a drag. Illumination was sparse and unimaginative. The few stalls for exhibition and sale were already closed. There was not even a good food festival.

Talking about food; it’s customary that you have a feast at home during Onam. But for me, I still had my feast at a hotel despite the fact that my Mom and Dad were home and were free. This again highlights the kind of difference that I have with my friends when it comes to family ties.

Carrying on about food; today is the second day I had Tandoori Chicken for dinner. I enjoy Tandoori a lot. Especially with good company. Yesterday it was Ray. Today with was S. M. P. and another neighbor. Both dinners were highly enjoyable.

Another couple of days off.

Castle without a rock

I’ve made another song. No, this isn’t what I wrote when I was at the hospital. This is another one. The one which I promised you a week back was discarded as my friend, with whom I co-wrote ‘Castle without a rock’, thought that it was ridiculous.

So much for my initial rating for the poem. I thought that it was definitely better than living your dream. But apparently, it was way too sad and directly pointed to my life at the hospital that my friend suggested me to start working on a new song.

By the way, this friend (who I will refer to as S. M. P.) was the first person I jammed with. Ever. He is a drummer. This is the first song which we are writing together.

Personally, I feel the lyrics are okay good. But I felt that it was sort of rushed up. The music, which I have recorded didn’t turn out to be too good; basically because the recording wasn’t good. Anyway, you get to check out the poem at the bottom and the rough draft right here. Hope to hear comments about it soon.

(PS: If you have problems in downloading the mp3, try pasting this to your browser address bar directly: http://mctvm96_1.tripod.com/untitled/castle_without_a_rock.mp3)

Castle Without A Rock

It was the turn of the year

We were trying to find our feet

Without the slightest sign of fear

Thinking hey, we can’t be beat

Beneath the lights glowing bright

Our eyes must have shone like stars

(This was) the way it would be

Yes, we were so sure, but we were wrong

The ray of joy, got us blinking in it’s glare, straining our eyes

Thought we were happy, lost we might’ve been, we realize

In the long strides

full of pride (Would we wake up?)

Now we try

try to fly (Would we wake up?)

A few years have passed by but

Our dreams are not all lost

The little flame still dances to the

wind of mellowed hopes

It’s a day, it’s oh so bright

And we are trying to get it right

Not afraid, but aware

of ourselves and of what we can

Trying in vain to build a castle, without a rock

Lost in the grey of a weeping dusk, hope we are not

In the long strides

full of pride (Would we wake up?)

Now we try

try to fly (Would we wake up?)

A mistake?

Yesterday, when I was on duty at the ER, the weirdest thing happened. I came out to one of the residents in my hospital. The circumstances were forcing enough, in my opinion at least, to do such a thing which might taint my image in the hospital.

In the last three weeks, there have been a lot of conversations between residents and Medical Officers in my hospital about how bad my residency could be at the metropolitan city which starts next year. It seems that, apart from break-back work, a junior resident was subjected to physical trauma (beating up, punching) and sodomy. The last bit doesn’t really sound that frightening to me. In fact, I am sort of looking forward to it. At least, from a person who is gentle and affectionate. Because of this, I made myself appear to not be disturbed at the prospects of such ‘ragging’ system.

Besides, I had overheard one of the residents (Res. R), who by the way is very charming, entertaining and educated, talk to his gay friend over the phone. I could easily make out that he was sort of open about homosexuality.

Coming back to yesterday; there was this conversation about ‘falling in love’ and living together before marrying. One of the residents expressed his views in which he objected the idea of falling in love and living together. Res. R, who is very forward in his thoughts, said that he believed in falling in love, living and sleeping with your lover, not marrying and maybe even adopting a child.

Since, I agreed to almost all of this, I said I also thought like him. Obviously, I was very happy to hear such views and I made it visible in my face. Picking my emotions up, Res. R directly suggested that finally he found a guy who he could live with andhave sex. Again, I said I had no objections.

A medical officer and another couple of residents were listening to this. Then, Res. R said that he knew a member of a gay organization based in my city and said he would get me in touch with him. He asked me if I was interested. I was perplexed. I couldn’t just say yes and commit to everyone that I was gay. I tried to ignore this question, but Res. R kept on repeating.

Thankfully, another patient came to the ER at that point, and I scurried off to examine this patient. I knew that at the next possible opportunity, Res. R would be back with the same suggestion. So I decided to privately come out to him on the next opportunity when we had a little privacy. I thought that was the best option. For one thing, it wouldn’t be very ‘public’ because I thought Res. R was sort of cultured enough not to spread the news around. Secondly, I thought that he was one person in my hospital who deserved to know that I’m gay. Don’t judge my judgement here. I was sort of helpless.

The opportunity came very quickly. I just went near him and said that I’m gay. I asked him to not tell this to anyone because I thought that would create problems in the hospital. He said okay. He also said that he would get me the number of his gay friend.

Then I asked him if he was gay. He said no. I asked him if he was bi. He said ‘Maybe.’

I was relieved and happy initially. It was my first professional coming out experience. I thought I did it well

Ray was surprised and glad that I came out without problems. But Chuck thinks that I shouldn’t have admitted this fact.

Now I’m in a dilema. Did I overdo it? Should I have just kept quiet?

The overhanging moustache

I saw the Plastic Surgeon professor for the last time in a few months time today. He is being transferred to another medical college. I was thinking about why I should be so attracted to his smile. Of course, I couldn’t find the exact reason why then. Later on, in the evening, I saw another man who I have had a crush on for a long time now. He is my neighbor’s son in law. At that moment, I realized that the two persons had a thing in common; their moustache was thick, black and overhanging the upper lip totally. And when they smiled, only very little of their teeth showed.

This is strange. Why should I be concerned about such minute physical features in men? Am I that superficial?

Another couple of days of break.

500 kilometres of fun

The place I live in a is certainly wonderful to travel around in. Today, along with four college mates of mine, I went to attend the wedding reception of another college mate. Even though we travelled in a Maruti 800 and despite its stimulation of our claustrophobic tendencies, we enjoyed it to the full.

Normally, I don’t enjoy such trips too much. Probably this was enjoyable because there was lots of entertainment floating around in conversations; jokes, eccentric personalities, goof-ups etc. Even though Ray was around, we couldn’t flaunt the kind of freedom, which we are so used to now, to discuss older men and gay issues because we weren’t out to this group of friends.

I even felt attracted to my college mate who is one year older than myself. Attracted in the gay sense perhaps. No sexual feelings. Just plain attraction to his personality. Very interesting indeed. Last of my crushes was on a 40 year old man. Is my infatuation for men of a particular age on the way out?

Envy

I am noticing a tinge of sadness, envy and jealousy within myself whenever I see one of my friends interact with their parents. I think about how blissful it would have been if I were in their place only to suddenly remember the kind of relationship I have with mine. In the end, I feel like a big loser.

Mom, the mood destructor

I notice some perceptible changes within me after restarting working in the hospital after 2 years. I don’t feel as tired as I used to. I’m eating better. And I’m able to handle sleep-deprivation even better. Especially when being at the hospital. Yesterday, I slept for hardly for 2 hours and got up immediately without feeling groggy when a fresh patient arrived at the ER. This is good. Somehow I feel that I’ve become stronger. I hope this is not a delusion.

I came home feeling happy about this. But my Mom, as ever, destroyed me by saying mean things about me. I hope this vicious cycle of arguments between me and her would stop some day. But each and every time my mother says something as mean as ‘You are not worth the effort spent in bringing up.’ OR ‘You are not mature for a 25 year old.’ OR ‘You are the worst son a mother could have.’, I feel like separating myself from her forever. That is one reason why I think I’m not going to come back home after going to start doing residency next year.

But, even with such a disappointment of being smitten courtesy my own mother, I’m doing something positive. I’m going to work with my friend S (the drummer) on some new songs. I hope things go well.

A great weekend coming up

I maintain a website for my batchmates from college. The last three days, I spent a few hours with a paranoid friend of mine updating the site. It was a big drag. But I had to do it because most of my college mates seem to remember me for this website that I made. I don’t know why it is like this to me. Very rarely do I get to be remembered for who I am instead of what I did.

I’m going to my friend’s wedding this weekend. I’ll be away from home for two days. It is the first time that I’m going to travel with Ray who is also coming along. I hope we have a nice time drooling over hot Muslim Dads at the wedding.