Short and sweet

I’ve been very busy. And I’m going to get even busier. It is only 20
days before I move out from home. This means that my blog won’t be
updated regularly. In fact, there won’t be postings for months. I’m
sad to finally resign to the harsh reality of life. But before I bid
goodbye, for sometime at least, I wish to inform you that I came out
to Dr. R. about a week back and as I hoped, he has accepted me as a
friend and a gay person. Isn’t that awesome! Goodbye!

A great day #2

Today, I spend a lot of time thinking about how I’m going to miss my home town, my friends and the hospital when I move to the metropolitan city.

Apart from a great day at the hospital, I spent the evening with Ray. We went to do some pre-purchase analysis of television sets for my parents. We also spent some time over mobile handset prospects for myself.

Then, we went to this new three-star Chinese restuarant which had opened earler this month. We loved the place. Great food! Fantastic waiting. Charming ambience. We ate Noodles and Tofu with chop sticks!

What a different experience!

A great day

The part of the day at the hospital (which by the way is the only part) was great. But even more wonderful was the conversation that I had with Ray in the night. We discussed about the most wonderful and the worst feelings that we’ve had in our lives. It was a revelation. I hadn’t even thought about that once.

So here’s are my best moments in life.

1. A day during my 4th year at Medical School. It was a day I spent at the Orthopaedics ER. Those days, I had finally realized what it is to be a doctor who could help people feel better. That particular day, I had a great time with the residents who, unlike the residents in other specialties, treated me as someone among themselves. There was an elderly resident who had a certain mellow, soothening touch who talked to me so lovingly that he almost felt like a father to me. That night, or early morning to be precise, I was riding home on my scooter when I decided that Orthopaedics was going to be my specialty. That was my best moment ever!
2. Then comes the couple of moments when I passed the exams for medical school and the Residency courses. Both were instances where I could show the world that I’m good at what I decide to pursue.
3. Then comes the time I spent with Mr. Lion. From the first kiss to the sex we’ve had… everything was just a nice feeling.
4. The first ever masturbation comes in next.
5. The rest of the positions belong to memories almost limited to the time I spend at the hospital and the time I spend with friends. This is when I realize that almost none of my best ever moments have happened in relation to my family.

Now for the worst ever time in my life.

1. This was easy. It was the time when my friend S.’ Dad accused me and my family of destroying S.’ career. He insulted me so much that I was totally shattered. It was on the eve of my final exams at medical school. It hurt so much because I trusted S.’ Dad. I cried for a whole evening. I even contemplated suicide. Thanks to my sister and my friend Jerry, I’m here typing in this.

It was a strange coincidence that Ray’s best ever feelings were similar to mine. His academic achievements reigned at the top before his time with Mr. Lion. The first ever masturbation came in third.

Another day away from home

For the past few days, my time at home has been reserved mainly for sleeping in the night. The rest of the time, which also happens to be the time I enjoy most, I’m spending time with those I love being with. This can be Chuck, Ray, Dr. R. or just being at the hospital.

Today, Dr. R. was back from his home. I was very glad to see him back. I have a soothening feeling when he’s around. I don’t know why.

Another day helping others

Today I helped someone with another one of those PowerPoint presentations. The reason for that is still beyond me. The colleague that I helped is arrogant and probably doesn’t deserve my help. Yet, I helped her. I spent over 6 hours with her work. And I have to spend another 2 hours in the night to finish it.

Otherwise, I’m very happy today that I’m back officially at the hospital. Besides, I’m confident about the fact that I like Dr. R. just as a friend.

I was very very happy to see him send me SMS messages which said that he told to his family about me and they were eager to see me. Even his SMSes are so warm.

Monday no-blues

Today morning, I went and submitted an application to continue the training for another month or so. Just that made me feel so back to normal. Then I went to the hospital to inform my mates about this. I felt so good seeing them.

Then, I dropped Dr. R. to the railway station. I had actually offered him a lift saying that I had to go to town when I really wasn’t planning to. Even though I had a nice talk to him during the ride, I don’t understand why I lied to him.

I guess I really want to talk to him and make him understand what my stand is. Why is it that he is so attractive? And why is he still not sexually appealing to me? Here are some startling facts.

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The points in favor of a sexual possibility in our relationship

• I love men over 40 years. Dr. R. is 45.
• I like men with attitude, charm and sense of humor. Dr. R. has this all.
• I like men who understand who I’m. Dr. R. does exactly that.
• I love men who dress well and carry themselves around impressively. Dr. R. is such a great example for that.
• We both hold similar views on many issues.

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And yet, I haven’t even thought of undressing him in my eyes just one time. I don’t masturbate thinking about him. I can swear.

Am I lying to myself?

Then I went and watched a stupid movie called ‘Collateral’. I was sleepy and spent time fiddling with my mobile phone address book re-categorizing my friends list. Guess who are on my speed dials. Chuck, Ray, My sister, My parents and Dr. R.!

The conference and post-conference

Yeah, the conference did help me feel better. Especially because Chuck was there with me. I was happy with the fact that I was interacting with the faculty presenting the topics much more freely than I used to.

We came back at around 10 pm in the night. Yet, I went to the hospital and hung out with my unit at the ER. Dr. R. was there of course. And I wanted to double-confirm that I had no physical thing for him.

I managed to achieve that. That made me feel a lot better.

My unofficial suspension

Now, the news of the instruction to unofficially suspend me from the hospital by the HOD was well known in the department. Almost everyone seemed to object his cowardly attitude.

I realize that I will be missing the hospital very much if I didn’t officially continue. But if I continue, I might not be able to spend a lot of time there as my preps to move out are getting nowhere. Add to it the problem at the Dr. R. front.

I am still undecided about what to do on either front. I just hope that a conference tomorrow will help me pull myself together.

Chuck almost rescued me before Ray did

Thankfully, Chuck came home in the afternoon. He had come to fetch some CDs that I had burned for him and was in a hurry to reach back home after a tiring day at the hospital. But I wanted to talk to him about my problem. Somehow I managed to make him listen to my problems.

I explained that even though I didn’t have no physical/sexual feelings for Dr. R. I just had a regular friendship sort of affection. But I was worried that if Dr. R. somehow came to know about my orientation and my liking for older men, he would misunderstand my purposes of hanging out with him. I wouldn’t even want to think of the such a possibility which might hurt him and me so badly.

I was surprised to know that he had noticed my ‘closeness’ to Dr. R. during previous weeks. Apparently, he had a suspicion that I was having a sexual liking for Dr. R.

I convinced him that I hadn’t. But he still holds the opinion that a close friendship with a person who fits in your image of a lover/spouse might turn into a physical relationship or the craving for one.

We went out shopping. That really eased my blues a bit. But once I was back at home, the doubt was killing me.

I don’t know why but I really wanted to tell Dr. R. about my true nature and I wanted to make him understand that even though I was gay and gerontophilic, I wasn’t eyeing him in that fashion. I was so desperate to get in touch with him that I sent him an SMS saying that I was feeling very depressed. He returned the courtesy with a call. I talked with him about his afternoon. He had been reading the text books. After some time talking, he hung up.

I was so depressed after that I couldn’t do anything in the evening. I had to talk to someone. I called Ray up and asked him if he was free to lend me an ear. He asked me to come over.

We talked for an hour or so. He cheered me up. I don’t know how, but I feel okay now.

But the question still persists. I have to really think. Do I have some sort of a physical thing for Dr. R.?

I thought for about a couple of hours. I have finally decided that I didn’t.

Damn

Today morning, I presented a topic before the unit. I was impressed with myself. And everyone appreciated my performance. Especially the compliments from my professor, a lecuturer and Dr. R. I was very excitable through out the day.

In the afternoon, I went and dropped Dr. R. at the hostel and he offered to buy me lunch there. I obliged. And then another wicked thing happened.

The guy who had started the rumors yesterday was there and he started saying more of such silly things about me and Dr. R. This was happening in front of a lot of guys who were eating. Amongst them were a couple of guys who knew that I was gay and that I liked older men. But thankfully, they weren’t paying attention.

After a while, Dr. R. got very ‘irritated’. At least apparently so. I felt bad. Really bad.

Later on, I went up and asked Dr. R. if he felt of hanging out with me because there were rumors circulating. He was so surprised that I was ashamed that I even asked the question.

Back at home, I felt bad about the situation. I’m feeling very down.