Fired by the boss

Today, I got firing from my boss for not taking photos of his surgery. The reason why I didn’t take photos was because I was not getting the space for focussing the camera on the operating field. Besides, the camera was out of space on the memory card and the battery was running low. All this made me go to the side room which was cooler than the operating theatre. I was also talking to a servant at that time.

Anyways, I got myself fired. And screwed really. Partly my fault. Partly the situation. Otherwise, things went well for the day.

Post-emerg goes light

It was another nice and cool day thanks to the fact that the big boss hadn’t arrived. It is definitely the calm before the storm as my professor is coming tomorrow. I went for the custom like shave and head+face massage again. I buy a helmet as well. During the shave + massage I think about what all things excite me most. I think is it is the combing or stroking of scalp towards the head which is so intense. I finish work early but I try learning a song

The emergency day

The emergency went light today. Significantly though, I had a good day with my co houseman. No cribbing and therefore a nice day. Excepting of course the fact that both of my seniors think that I’m not good.

Mixed bag

Yesterday’s after-effect was hovering like a dark cloud in the morning. I had my Mallu breakfast and started work early for a Sunday. My senior took a round in the morning and it didn’t turn out to be good. I was determined to prove him and his accusations wrong by putting in long hours. In that process I skip lunch and a teaching lecture (which was boring anyways).

I finished lmost everything by 7. I wanted to go to Xander’s to at least play some bass if not jam. But I can’t go until my senior’s round is not over. In between, I found a listening ear in my room partner. He patiently listens to all my troubles. He’s understanding and I’m very relieved immediately. All he has to give me as advice was that if you think that you are not good at work, then nobody can help you.

In the night, at around 11.30, I reach the apartment with Mallu food hoping to learn two songs – ‘Big Empty’ by the STP and ‘Talk Shows on Mute’ by the Incubus. I managed most of both very fast. I was so happy!

He also confided in me that there might be a small gig for us at a show on the 4th of July. I’m thrilled. WOW!

Seen a lot less worse days

This has to be a really important day in my life. The day when I was made to realize that I was doing something that I should not be doing, something that I was not good at. Or so it seemed. I am really depressed and down when I’m typing this. I really needed to talk to someone close to relieve myself. Unfortunately, I couldln’t find neither the time or person suited.

What happened was the usual routine plus a little more. I had a repeat OT today as well. This meant that the only ‘free’ day we had from the weekly drag of a routine was also stolen away. Instead, we had to post cases for surgery and do it. This meant that stressful hours in the OT as well. Yesterday’s treat had made sure that I didn’t get any solid sleep, neither was I able to finish the work.

Therefore, in the theatre, I was reluctant to wash up. I was feeling tired and sleepy and had so much of work to finish up. The Murphy’s law applied itself in its glory on me. The work took too much long to finish and before I was able to finish up, I was asked to wash up for the case. Naturally, I was shamefully tardy on the table. I got blamed. I felt very bad. I was told again that I was not fit for the career option that I had taken.

This put me off quite badly. I suddenly became quiet. That fear which is always lurking in the dark caverns of my mind suddenly grew up. If I was doing something that I didn’t really want to, and when that thing was causing problems in my personal life including somewhere where I had some future in, then what crazy shit am I doing?

Anyway, that was over. Those really unhealthy comments still hurt after the case was over. Immediately after the case, I could have gone back to ward or to room. But at neither place was I ensured some private time where I could catch some sleep undisturbed. I opted for an ill ventilated room in the side room of the theatre. As I was dozing off, I got calls from three different persons. One was my co-houseman, another was a patient who was discharged about 2 months back.

The third was much more significant. And it had some grave news. My relative had expired some time back in the ward. It was my cousin calling and he said that they are taking the body away. I had to decide to lie to him that I was busy in the OT. That was my state at that time. And then I switched my phone off. About half an hour later, I was woken up by a servant for some silly reason. I was almost crying while explaining my situation and asking him to not disturb me henceforth.

After that, I dozed off again. A good 2 hours of sleep. I was feeling sort of okay after the nap. I went back to the ward. Got myself freshened up and took a round of the male ward while my senior came. The round went well till we reached upstairs. My senior was enraged to see a bed sore in a patient our professor had a personal interest in. Then he saw something else which blew the lid totally off. He fired me. Raw firing. He even told one relative that I was the sole reason why her money was going and patient was not improving.

Anyway, bad bad round. After the round, I’m almost in shambles. Life seemed to cave in. Then I realized that we were supposed to go for a treat today as well. I was not in a mood. Almost everything in ward was pending. I was hoping that my senior would not allow me to come. First he ordered me to finish up work and come if possible. Later, he realized that such an instruction would ensure that I wouldn’t come which would probably dent his image at the treat (he would become a cruel dictator).

I was dragged into the treat. I tried to tell my senior that I was unwell. But he wouldn’t listen to me. I went for the treat. Only physically. I was so far depressed that I isolated myself. I longed for a long conversation with one of my friends. I couldn’t find anyone appropriate for the second day. I feel like shit. People realize that at the table. But nothing is spoken about. Everybody must have understood.

I had wine during the dinner. As I was coming back, I wanted to visit Xander’s to give the remaining money. But, Xander was calling it a day early and I couldn’t. I went back to the ward and tried starting work. But the sedative effect of depression, tiredness and wine were too much to control. I slept.

After an hour, I was woken up by a call which gave me a message to report me to the seniors room.

At 2 AM I go to my senior’s room and hear about half an hour of shit. A lot of seriously depressing things about myself which further push me down the hole. After all, I go back to my room.

As I drift into my sleep I am fearful of the future I have here. I have a feeling that all my decisions in life have suddenly gone wrong and I’m doing the wrong thing at the wrong place. I don’t know how to get out of this shit.

Thing going not good

After a long time, I had to was up in a Spine Surgery today. But due to sleep deprivation and my tiredness, I was not able to put in my 100%. Even otherwise, I’m not technically that gifted in surgery and things. Because of my predisposition, I got myself blamed for being ‘tardy’, ‘lazy’ and ‘uninterested’ a few times. I felt bad in that situation.

In the night, as I was taking my round, one of the elderly women in my ward with a fracture suddenly deteriorated. I couldn’t explain why. There seemed to a million relatives with that patient (as the patient was a part of the accident case the other day). I explained at the outset that the patient was very serious and we cannot say what would happen. But my instructions, as is the usual case these days, seemed to go to deaf ears. One reason is the alleged ‘communication problem’ that I had. Besides, they were natives of this state and understood marathi better than Hindi.

Either way, she expired soon and coincidentally, my registrar was the only one present when she died. I was in the male ward doing some procedure which was not that urgent. After all that, my registrar was visibly irritated with my total effort.

But still, went for a treat for the surgery that my registrar had done earlier in the day. The restaurant called ‘Jishan’ in Bandra had a ‘Starter Festival’. We had plenty or okay quality starters. But, the treat took away precious time from my evening work time and I could not finish my work after that. I had to sleep in the ward and get up early. Still, a lot of work was pending.

The ‘free’ day

Today was a free day. Because it’s the vacation time at the hospital, all of our ‘qualifieds’ were on leave and therefore no round was there. This means that there is absolutely no meaningless bullshit that we tend to do everyday before the round. That gave me time to finish up the work early. Yes, we had our OPD where I again felt awfully sleepy. But that’s a different story.

In the night, after almost finishing up everything, I had to go visit my relative as my cousin from hometown was visiting him then. When I went to the ward, I was ashamed to see my relative in such a pitiful condition. Almost no quality care, two bedsores, the blood sugar level of 14 mg/dL (when anything below 45 is considered intolerable to life).

In my efforts to squirm from the situation, I managed to make it sound like the relative is still being ‘worked up’ for the final therapy. That way I was able to get away. Escaped, really.

First major forearm surgery

The morning at the OT saw me performing my major forearm surgery ever. I think I do okay. But my senior complains about my attitude, skill and aptitude for surgery. I feel obviously bad. But then, seniors are always meant to be mean.

Victor had indicated that he wanted to see me once more. But I had to cancel the treat due to unavoidable circumstances at the hospital. Xander had also called me up and asked me to pay for thre resto f the charges we’re supposed tosplitl.

But I managed to still do something so exciting. I got a facial + head massage from my barber. Oh, it was so stimulating and relieving at the same time. I can’t explain it. Massages by anyone is so haute. Imagining being massaged by a hot Dad! Before the massage, I did trim my beard but decide to have big sideburns. Now, it really looks weird.

Tuesday worries

I actually set out to the ward from the emergency quite early. On my way, I catch a nice breakfast with a copy of the DNA. As I’m heading to the ward, I get called from my seniors asking me to report back to the emergency. There was some mass casualty in the hospital.

There were about 6 patients from two different accidents lying in the casualty. After the initial confusion, things get sorted out. Then we head to the ward. I don’t catch even a bit of sleep for the third emergency in running. I managed to run on my bath till evening. I had food with the servants in the male ward. Fantastic it was! Actually it was well made. Given the state of tiredness and hunger that often prevails in the life of a junior resident, it tasted like heaven really.

Finish the work early enough to return back to room. That’s the biggest mistake that I do.

On such a tiring day, the room becomes a heaven as well as I forget the heat-sink like feel of it in the sweltering summer. Therefore, I sleep more and get up late. Too late. But still adjust and reach the OT in time.

The emregency went cool

Yeah! Like a pig I again wasted a pre-emergency day by staying up late to type in blog entries like this. I actually got up very late 9 AM. My OPD is supposed to be starting at 8.30 AM. But immediately I make up excuse citing the reason that my relative’s bad in the ward. So I take my time to get to the OPD. Nobody fires. I’m gladly relieved.

From then on, the day went smoothly. The emergency went on cool. Nothing worth commenting on really. For the third emergency in running I was able to take a bath in the early hours of the morning. Nobody suspected that I did. But I felt so refreshed. It is a sad pity that the sytem here in the hospital (for junior residents) is so pathetic as to deny the basic need of getting freshened after a sleepless night.