Monthly Archives: May 2009

Photography: The MySpace Secret Show

I’m getting a little too engrossed with photography I guess. I went to watch Black, Scribe, Motherjane at a MySpace secretshow the other day. This is what I did… umm well, apart from rocking my ass out!

http://picasaweb.google.com/s/c/bin/slideshow.swf

<http://picasaweb.google.com/s/c/bin/slideshow.swf

What do you think?

Pearl Jam – Present Tense

Rob inspired me to listen to Pearl Jam again. Not surprisingly, I stumbled on this song from ‘No Code.’ The lyrics are so very apt for my life.

Pearl Jam – Present Tense (from No Code)

Do you see the way that tree bends?
Does it inspire?
Leanin’ out to catch the sun’s ray
A lesson to be applied
Are you getting something out of this?
All encompassing trip

You can spend your time alone
Redigesting past regrets, Oh
Or you can, come to terms and realize
You’re the only one who cannot forgive yourself, Oh
Makes much more sense to live in the present tense

Have you ideas on how this life ends?
Checked your hands and studied the lines?
Have you the belief that the road ahead
Ascends off into the light?

Seems that needlessly it’s gettin’ harder
To find an approach and a way to live
Are we gettin’ something out of this
All encompassing trip

You can spend your time alone
Redigesting past regrets, Oh
Or you can come to terms and realize
You’re the only one who cannot forgive yourself, Oh
Ah, makes much more sense to live in the present tense

Younger Than Jesus

Vinokur sent me this T-shirt which he picked up at the New Museum in NYC two weeks back. He had been to an exhibition titled “The Generational: Younger Than Jesus.” All the artists featured in the exhibition are under 33 years of age (like Jesus H. Christ). I had received this T-shirt (which was the reason why I’m more or less fully out of the closet at work) and I wore it to a metal gig tonight. A friend of mine loved the T-shirt and took a picture of it.

Thank you Vinokur!

6-day cycle

Vinokur observed this first. My depressive cycles are 5-7 days long. This time, probably the worst ever, lasted 7 days. I don’t exactly know what triggers it on and off. I feel much better now despite nothing really changing in my life. Vinokur thinks that I should seek for help. Lithium, in his opinion, could be the magic bullet.

For me, with my set of friends, this should be easy. But I can’t make myself do it. The last time I went on anti-depressants, I had to discontinue because of the expenses of drugs. I know Lithium isn’t that expensive and I could technically try it. But then, I would have to do regular blood tests for monitoring the serum level.

I’m not going to afford that. Also, I’m not going to find time for that. Just forget it.

This Old Wound

It’s amazing how songs sum up your life at any particular point of time. This one’s a good one. Chris Carrabba has always been on my list of people to emulate. I love the way his songs sound lamentful and earnest. I couldn’t find a YouTube link to it. But I’m sure you could find the track somewhere on the internet.

Dashboard Confessional – This Old Wound

Well I’ve been bleeding well from this old wound,
Cleaning it with salt, so it will still feel new.
And sometimes eyes turn black, and sometimes scars are tracks.
But every time you’re gone,
I wish that you’d come back.

And everyone watched me waste myself,
and everyone cheered at last.
And all of them found it comforting.
It’s better it’s me, than them.

I think I’m doing well from what they say,
They’ve taken both my belt
And shoelaces away.
Well I believe in luck…
I think I do.
Well I’d believe for sure,
If ever I saw you.

Well I’ve been fanning flames from these old coals.
Feeding them with tinder, and hoping they will grow.
Well I’ve been savoring what I can’t hold.
A blind belief in goodness
That doesn’t seem to show.

Well I’ve been bleeding well from this old wound.
Cleaning it with salt, so it will still feel new.

The pleasure of working

Going to work is the only thing that I look forward to everyday.

  • It provides me with means indulge in something interesting.
  • It provides me a comfortable working space.
  • It provides me with time to listen to music.
  • It provides me with Internet, without which life would not go on.
  • It provides with a semblance of stability – no computer crashes, regular timings etc.

Everything that leaves me alone providing room for introspection is a potential disaster. First thing on that list is the act of coming back home to my computer and letting my mind wander through the amazing list of ‘things that could go wrong.’

Only very few things could possibly keep me un-worried when I’m not at work.

  • Gigs, which give an opportunity to do something challenging and fun.
  • Alcohol could made a difference had I been able to afford it.
  • IPL too to some extent, but my PC has made even that a dreadful thought.

I’m really thankful to my job. It keeps me preoccupied, and therefore, happy. Or should I say, not sad?

Bipolarity

It’s amazing how my mood cycle is periodic. Right now, I am a goner. People at work are shocked to see me locked up in this amazing shell. From a very chirpy, talkative person who liked having fun, I had become a monster, who would not make eye-contact, not talk, and avoids all sorts of communication unless it was absolutely necessary. People are intimidated. Of course, they would be. They should be.

They don’t deserve to face the end result of my problems, most of which I can’t blame anyone except myself. I agree that most people, when faced with difficult life-situations, prefer having someone, or something, to blame. I’m too proud to do that. I’m too proud to regress into a state when I can start blaming others. Another possible reason, refreshingly sadistic perhaps, is that I might enjoy the suffering.

People at work approached me with a myriad of ways to help me out and I have obviously refused to be helped. Not because that would make me any weaker. I just don’t want to loop them in my pain. I know perfectly well that life is up and down. But, when you are left at the ‘down’-side too long, when you have no tangible hope left, when everything adds up to your to-solve-problem list, when you twist and turn in the night without falling asleep, when you have a series of nightmares in sleep, you’ll feel bad. You ought to if you are normal.

I’ll don’t want them to stop enjoying their lives. Who knows how long they will stay that way?

My only wish

There have been innumerable instances of people writing about their wishes. From fairy tales to puranas, from poets to bloggers, people have written countless paragraphs on what they wish. Some wish for a change on a grander sacle; reduction of global warming, or the end of a civil war. However, some others, poorer souls like me, are selfish.
Like me, they want change in their own lives. Change in terms of success, wealth, marital bliss, and so forth. Yeah, I’m a sucker too. But I don’t think I am going to ask for all that. I would want to wish for one thing.
I wish for a big, fat eraser to wipe away my past. To start afresh. To forget all the pain that I have endured. To fall asleep without twisting and turning through the entire night. To enjoy the present without worrying.