The AV Photo-biography

You have heard a lot about him, and in fact you know a lot about him. But a very few of you know that he’s a professional photographer who never bothered to chase his dreams. But the good thing about his photographic interests is that he’s always had people who have been gracious enough (for my ogling sense, I must add) to have captured his life in photographs. It’s my pleasure to show the world a series of photographs of the love of my life – AV.


This picture was taken around his first birthday. Eerily, he looks just like how he looks right now! Amusing, with a funny look on his face about to utter something which will send the audience into fits of guffaws! Surprisingly, his scalp hair hasn’t changed all that much over the years. Isn’t that astounding. I feel like putting in a pacifier and taking him out for a shopping mall expedition after putting him in front of the cart.

These two pictures that I have are from the similar stage of his life. Featured in both are his mother. Sadly that’s about the closest he has ever gotten to her in his entire life. No, don’t get yourself confused. I just meant as soon as he started getting a few thoughts into his head, he had realized that it was not ideal of anybody to stay close to their mothers – especially if they aren’t too fond of you being yourself.


Even in early childhood, he definitely gave hints as to how handsome he would grow to become. In the first one, the very naughty stare reveals his playfulness. The second one gives proof his already established superiority in looks as compared to other mortals. You must know that Cis, who appears in the second picture, was a beauty queen in her college days.



We don’t have a lot of years of phot-age until our little AV decided to go hippie and on drugs and stuff. I’m not kidding, folks! Yes, he used to indulge in all kinds of stuff with his favorite being acid, something which was so hyped up with the psychedelia craze. He almost got drowned in the sea off an island after jumping from a boat after getting high on acid. He actually used to hang out at parties with Jimi Hendrix at San Fransisco during the golden days – refer to WoodStock ’69. Interestingly enough, he toured the world in this hippie stage and was in Delhi (not surprisingly dismissed off as a beggar) between in 1972 before escaping to Pakistan and then Afghanistan etc.



Somewhere in the 80s, he became an irresistibly hot Dad (older man) person. You know, the gruffy, villain (or the hero look) from the 80s movie which is clearly depicted in this picture. I mean, the only thing which is missing was a cigar which is replaced ironically by a very inane cookie!


Then comes a phase when he actually looked like my Dad. My actual father that is. Well, add to the picture about 100 tonnes of melanin (I really feel that all the Caucasians use some queer vampires who specialize on sucking melanin out of their body to look white!). For that he tried to shave his mushy off. That obviously didn’t work.

And then, there was a period when he decided to shave his head. Well, that too didn’t work out well as is evident in this picture.

He got lucky in most parts of his life and had the pleasure of touring the world during the best time of his life. These are a couple of snaps when he was in Mexico. The first one shows he holding up his lovely dog Pila for the viewers.



Then came the Die-Hard look! Check these pictures where he wears the shades and acts cool again. Believe me folks, that’s how close it gets to the actual Die-Hard stuff. He wouldn’t flinch a muscle to rescue anyone – forget his own country! The difference is that he has gained a lot of pounds and could even pass off as a look like for Bruce.

Just like you see in the sitcoms, he did have his house in ‘upstate New York’ and he used to go ‘cruising’ in his Honda on the ‘freeways’ and stuff. Typically boring American bullshit – but still that was part of his life.


He also had a quirky sense of humor and always used to pose for photographs in Jewish cemeteries. Here are the couple of snaps that I can display on this blog. Apparently, there are some rather ‘vulgar’ ones which even I haven’t seen.



Just like wine, the already very attractive man, matured into this wonderful concoction. It is at this time when I personally think that he looks at his best. Confident, cocky, mature and wise.



Somewhere the cockiness and self-assuredness matured into this amazing picture which has captivated a lot of heats in this personals site, with one of them wishing to ride an entire lifetime with him (okay, okay – by, on whatever!). Seriously folks, this picture right here is the reason why I and AV are together now!


My love and Indidanness did rub off on him as it is evident in these picture where he is posing in a kurtha-pajama outfit I sent him across via one of my friends.



Even now, he reigns in handsomeness and cutitude. This is one of the latest pictures that I have of him. These days, similar visuals on Skype make me want to make him wear a pretty skirt, pacifier and all and take him out shopping putting him in the shopping cart!


Somewhere down the road, I managed to convince him that I’m not so much of a loser and hence, it’s better that we both are tied together by something which symbolizes the partnership. That’s the reason why I sent him over this ring from Amazon. This is the result.


And finally – the one snap which is still adorning my desktop – the one which has his hands with the band that I sent him.


For those slightly dimmer beings in the blogging world, this post can be summarized as – I love AV!

Three’s company

Because of my amazingly narcissistic post about my own micro-celebrity status a couple of days back, the readership of this blog has skyrocketed from 1l.63 readers per week to an astounding 13.13 readers in over 3 days! Can you believe that! I mean if you talk about daily visits, it means that I have gained one more blog reader in the last 3 days! Thank you! Thank you!

Some of those 13.13 readers/week would already know that I’m an amazingly cool guy who’s part of two rock bands – Noise Market and Shoonyas! Now here’s the stunner! I think I’m about to join another band! [Pause for raptures]

Yes! I have been getting offers and stuff. But this one sounds really serious and fun. The curious thing is that the band isn’t formed yet nor does it have a name. I got this e-mail from my friend (who’s the reason for my micro-celebrity status) forwarding me a mail from his friend who was seeking for bass guitarist for his band. I’d responded with wariness.

I got an e-mail from the vocalist of the band; a very ambitious, confident guy, who is assembling a troupe of 6 people including two guitarists, a drummer and a turn-table/synthesizer player. The genre, as he explained the barrenness of bands in India, is rock-metal. Something like Korn, Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park, POD etc. He seemed to have the firm idea of creating original compositions and using covers just for establishing in the first few months.

Curiously enough, this guy seems to have a fantastic sense of humor – in the campy, cheesy side; so much like mine. It might just be true fellas that in a few years time, you may find this in the annals of Indian rock history – … and they met on the stage of the biggest rock festival in India, Independence Rock. They have never looked back since.

We’re meeting tonight at I-Rock. Hope that it is as good as it looks!

Call from Sister – part 2

Yesterday evening, I got a call from my sister. It was the usual customary ‘How’s everything?’ call. She was getting back home from work. She was returning my call to her earlier asking if she could help me/us by getting us contacts of some college festival organizers and stuff. What I thought was a regular conversation suddenly changed course.

I don’t exactly know what the trigger was. But it just sounded the same bullshit to me. She thought that my life has lost its direction. She thought that I was not sure about what I wanted to do. Citing these examples, she tried to drive home the point.

  • When you fell in love with Vinokur, you wanted to go over to New York.
  • After that, you decided that it was better for Vinokur to come here.
  • Once Vinokur came here, thing’s weren’t all the ‘rosy’. He went back.
  • Then you say, he would come back.
  • Now you say, you want to go visit him.
  • You often get crushes on ‘other’ men.
  • You aren’t sure as to what to do – either music or medicine.
  • You aren’t happy now. That’s because of all these problems that you have.

She thinks that I should simply push back all the other things in my life and concentrate on my exams; Vinokur, Music and all of that. How easy is it for someone to say that huh? But then, there are weird things happening in my life. I’m going through bankruptcy; I’m worrying about Vinokur’s health; I’ve failed in my exams. The truth is that with all the things that I’m doing right now, I’m trying to forget all these negativities. And I think I’m doing a good job keeping myself upbeat and spirited.

She went on to tell me various other things like – Look, you aren’t giving your parents a priority in your life. You are just thinking about yourself. You aren’t thinking about some people who are suffering more as compared to you – you should try to help them and thus feel better! I told her that I would love to take care of my parents. But I didn’t want to compromise my life, my love and my happiness for anyone. We all need to be selfish, shouldn’t we?

I know that I’m not making a great job of studying right now and I’m ashamed that I can’t concentrate that hard. But then, I don’t want people to tell me be that I’m all fucked up – especially from my sister.

I told her that I thought that she was simply not seeing my side of things. I also explained to her that it was hard for either of us to comment on the other’s life as we live in totally different worlds. And I finally told her that, whatever her intentions are, she’s not helping me at all – instead she had just made me feel bad. I know that it was harsh on my part too.

Despite disagreements, she called me today morning to ask me if I was doing okay? I accepted her apology and returned the apology for being rather brash to her. 🙂

Hey There Alan – the video

For the sake of convenience of fellow bloggers, I did something nifty. I made a single slide on MS Powerpoint with some clever wordplay and embedded the song in there and made it into an avi before uploading it into blogger. Enjoy this as you can forget the rest of the songs in the earlier post! 😉

(PS: Alan is Vinokur. Vinokur is Alan. Just clarifying before you start alleging me of adultery.)

(PPS: Vinokur did shed some Jew tears when I made him listen to the song last year. Maybe he’ll do an encore performance this year!)

Hey There Alan

I was chatting with one of our friends in the afternoon when we happened to talk about the Plain White Tees. They are an alternative rock band from the States with their famous hit song ‘Hey There Delilah’. It was all over the radio and TV when I had fallen in love with Vinokur and because of the amazing applicability of the lyrics to our lives, I decided to do a cover. Nothing special. Just another lousy Kris cover.

As I mentioned, I was reminded about that cover and I decided to post that here. I don’t know how to just post that song. Hence I posted the entire catalogue of my original songs as a widget.

Please listen to ‘Hey There Alan’ and let me know as to what you think!

The concocted lyrics are these.

Hey there Alan
What’s it like in New York City?
I’m a thousand miles away
But man, tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Times Square can’t shine as bright as you
I swear it’s true

Hey there Alan
Don’t you worry about the distance
I’m right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice, it’s my disguise
I’m by your side

Oh it’s what you do to me
Oh it’s what you do to me
Oh it’s what you do to me
Oh it’s what you do to me
What you do to me

Hey there Alan
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me, man
Someday I’ll pay the bills with this guitar
We’ll have it good
We’ll have the life we knew we would
My word is good

Hey there Alan
I’ve got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I’d write it all
Even more in love with me you’d fall
We’d have it all

Oh it’s what you do to me
Oh it’s what you do to me
Oh it’s what you do to me
Oh it’s what you do to me

A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they’ve got planes and trains and cars
I’d walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we’ll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Alan I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you’re to blame

Hey there Alan
You be good and don’t you miss me
Two more years and you’ll be done with school
And I’ll be making history like I do
You’ll know it’s all because of you
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Alan here’s to you
This one’s for you

Oh it’s what you do to me
Oh it’s what you do to me
Oh it’s what you do to me
Oh it’s what you do to me
What you do to me.

The 16 rupee dosa plate

In the drudgery of daily life, we often fail to enjoy the wonderful things that you stumble by. We forget to take note of the beauty that our life has to offer and act benumbed shirking away anything that do better with some recognition. We run to the same bus stop every morning, catch the same old-bus to the railway station, board on an amazingly overflowing compartment of a local train oblivious of the smell of the guy standing next to you and reach your work place. Just to start another working day – eating, chatting, blogging, e-mailing and of course working.

I am strangely above such limitations. I don’t have a daily life. I don’t have a job. I don’t have a routine which takes the fun out of life. I have a truck-load of time which could be used in creative processes. But I don’t have the prowess to manage time. Yet, startling similar to others in the above category, I (hardly) eat, chat, blog, e-mail all around the day when I can. And the price that I pay is simple – poverty.

But with the money that I have, I am still able to enjoy the finer aspects of life that some other might not. For example, going across the road and eating this amazingly tasty dosa plate at a road side shack for just Rs. 16. Maybe it’s the hunger of not having had anything to eat for dinner or maybe it’s the memories that come flooding from my childhood when my granny used to make dosas for me – when the first bite gets chewed, I feel really good! In less than 7 minutes, I finish up 5 dosas (thin, medium sized ones) return back home content and peaceful.


For all of you people, who think that life’s getting too boring, try these shacks when you get time. They are on the Link Road, Andheri (W); on the right side of the road when you go towards Lokhandwala just after Star Bazaar and just before the turn to Veera Desai road. It’s simply an astounding experience!

The weekend of Rock

In the three years of my stay in Mumbai, the only thing that I look forward to with anticipation on a yearly basis is Independence Rock? This is the biggest rock festival in India; something like WoodStock! It’s been going on for 23 years and this year it’s going to be the biggest.

The extravaganza has a national level competition where bands in the major cities get to contest for a place to play at the grand finals in Mumbai. This year’s competition is about culminate soon; Mumbai’s regional finals taking place tonite and tomorrow night.


After that it is pure bliss of the big stage which also happens to be right across the road from my apartment building! That’s over the weekend where the monster bands fo Rock will also be playing to the biggest rock audience; in thousands! It’s huge! This year three of my favorite bands are playing – Demonic Resurrection, Zero and Superfuzz! I am looking forward to watching Scribe again (they won last year) and Agni, one of our competing bands!

As usual, I am probably the only person in my band(s) who’s this excitable and I have messaged all of my bandmates asking if they are interested to join me at these venues? I don’t expect anyone to turn up really. Trust me, I don’t understand why they wouldn’t. It’s the biggest thing in Indian rock after all! I even asked a few gay friends of mine. Most ironically, Vikster who we are all familiar with dumped me. Again!

Kris: ‘Hey Vik, are you interested in joining me at the Hard Rock Cafe tonight? There is a rock show going on there. It sure would be exciting!’

Vik: ‘Nah, I’ll pass! I just want to have drinks after 9.30 pm.’

Kris: ‘Come on, you could still have drinks at the HRC. And besides we could spend the time together! You promised me drinks remember?

Vik: ‘What? No! [.oO Not with you!] I’m not coming! You interested for a movie?’

Kris: ‘Honey, the most important thing in my life is Rock. I could skip movies, food, lays etc for it. And I mean not the potato chips.’

Vik: ‘I’m sorry, I am not interested.’

Hence, coming back to you guys, I’m asking you guys whomever who is in Mumbai if you were interested in joining me to have fun at the venues on the sidebar. First of all, all those who are interested in being kind and generous could buy me food and drinks. For those who are in awe of my recently adorned micro-celebrity status, I could give you autographs (on any thing) and that feeling of having spent an evening with a very nice guy!

Anyone interested?

Immodesty is my middle name

At least a few of you who actually bother to visit my blog and to read it regularly (the last time I checked it was 11.64 persons on an average week) might remember that I hinted about something related to being a celebrity. I said I am a micro-celebrity, or better one in the making. And I did leave that clichéd teaser ‘Watch this space tomorrow!’ To only those sincere readers, here is why!

So, I’ve been commenting about Queer Azadi march in many forms of electronic media – GB forums, TOI pages, blogs and some celebrity blogs – to be more specifically, one celebrity blog – Shobhaa De’s blog. I commented on her post about Shabana Azmi and other stars (all who happen to be muslims) finding it hard to get an apartment because of their religion. I had said that I had found it extremely difficult for me and Vinokur to get one in Mumbai and I had to even bring R. along to convince that I was ‘normal’.

And then, I commented about her Queer Azadi post saying that I myself don’t prefer to be a drag. I would instead like to portray the image of a responsible young man who is demanding his human rights to love and to live with his love. Since I’m a frequent commentator on her blog, she has taken pains to chat with me about such topics when she gets time.

Kris hears muttering voices say ”Okay, okay! Big deal, you are getting to chat with a celebrity! Get to the point, dick!”

Day before yesterday afternoon, I got an e-mail from our blogging friend Aham tell me that De has mentioned me in her column ‘The Sexes’about the Queer Azadi march published in the Aug 31 edition of The Week magazine. I didn’t believe it first. So I had to confirm it with the horse’s mouth and I was surprised that it actually was about me. I went out and got a copy of the week to confirm my micro-celebrity status. I didn’t post it until now because I couldn’t have given the link to you guys as well. Here’s the link. And here’s the excerpt about me.

“I received emails galore from concerned gay friends who were worried they may have to face stepped-up hostility due to the weekend hoopla. One of them wrote how difficult it was to get a flat in Mumbai (his lover is a gora), till he produced a ‘wife’ (friendly female colleague). He preferred to lie low while members of his community bounced around in boas, puckered their lips and pouted inanities for the benefit of sensation-seeking journos. He said he felt sad, ashamed and embarrassed. Time to introspect before waving that seven- hued flag again, guys!”

Thank you De!

(Turns around and bows to an entire blog audience of 12.34 people per week.)

Noise Market promotion – requesting help

Yesterday evening, the Noise Market* band had an audience with our record label. We were worried why things weren’t happening the way we wanted them to be. Believe me, things were really bad.

  • They haven’t paid us the licensing fee, the stark evidence of which is that I am(for the second night in a row) sleeping on an empty stomach. I have some instant food at home, but I’m scared of using it up too soon. I’m rationing you see. If you are asking me how I manage to do what I do and buy what I buy, it’s thanks to a credit card whose balance is now in the vicinity of Rs. 17, 000/-.
  • They haven’t paid the studio. This would result in delays in mixing and mastering. This will eventually result in a delay in the release. The longer we take to release, the worser it is for everyone.
  • They haven’t gotten us gigs. Most of you guys must think that bands survive by recording and album and sitting pretty on the money that is coming from sales. It’s not true, we have to rehearse our asses out and play in concerts. That’s where the real money comes from. So, if you don’t get gigs, you are not going to make money.
  • We don’t know about our future. Well nothing was clear. We were kinda weirded out. Natural, some might say if you put yourselves in our shoes.

During the meeting, for the first time in our entire history of meetings with them, we realized the woke up to our senses; we realized that we ourselves have to get more gigs. We will have to check out all the available gig opportunities all over the country (and abroad) and make at least some count. We will have to do promotion, marketing and publicity ourselves.

These are easy things to say. But without networking they are going to be extremely difficult. Thankfully, I have a rather wide-spread audience in the blogosphere. I urge all of you to help me and my band Noise Market here! Get us gigs! I’m talking about Gigs in places like Delhi, Chennai, Bangalore, Hyderabad, Kolkata, Cochin etc. Promote us! Spread the word!

Currently, as you might presume, we aren’t in a position to pay for this. But we’d be thankful and eternally grateful for your services.

For your convenience, I’ll give you all the links that you can approach us by.

Please add as many friends as you can to all these social networking sites. Every word spread is going to make us more powerful and help me feed better. In a way, you guys are helping prevent poverty and hunger. Promote Noise Market!

Noise Market FAQ

  • Noise Market, what? – Noise Market is a hindi rock band based in Mumbai. We are incredibly cool as we won the western leg of a national level competition within three months of our birth. Rumors are that we didn’t cry immediate post-partum. Instead, we strummed the umbilical cords and made music in the delivery room. And we were toilet trained at birth.
  • Noise Market promotion, why? – Well, the only real reason is that yours truly, the modesty called Kris Bass, is the bass (coincidence?) guitarist of the band. To sell Noise Market to others, please try the following catch lines.
    • We’re cool.
    • We play original Hindi Rock.
    • We’re amazingly hot. (Not just me, the entire band!)
    • We have attitude.
    • We have spunk.
    • We kick ass.
    • We kick everyone else’s ass (especially all the cheesy music directors in the industry).
    • We rule the stage.
    • I play bass in the band.

  • Why, Noise Market, the name? – For the sake of privacy to the rest of the members of the band and to myself, I have chosen to use ‘Noise Market” as the pseudonym. The actual name is a translation of the same word to Hindi – or simply ‘S-H-O-R B-A-Z-A-A-R’. This is supposed to be a cool thing to explain – Shor is the noise, Bazaar is the market!

Dating troubles *updated

I have been gearing up to post about relationships for a while. But I needed something juicy to write about. At the same time, I didn’t want to be mean or intrusive to anyone else’s life. Then, I had a talk to one of my friends. He is going to the worst time of his life in his dating life. I honestly wanted to help him and to cheer him up.

I asked if I could blog about it and get some advice from the most brilliant minds (of course, I’m kidding) on the blogosphere. Surprisingly, he said yes. He in fact wanted his name and his blog to be mentioned so that those people who felt sympathetic towards him could mush about in his own blog. But that aside, I suspect that he’s conjuring up devious thoughts and intends to translate the traffic that he would get to become a micro-celebrity like how everyone else (losers like me) is becoming these days. Confused? Check this space tomorrow.

Back to him – Let’s get the facts on the table here. He is a 32 31 year old, sweet looking guy with a trim, but not lithe, body. He’s got a gorgeous smile, wicked sense of humor and a plethora of pop-knowledge to charm anyone in a conversation; someone who would steal the show in a dinner-table conversation. He’s intelligent, educated (ex-Harvard Virginia), successful (believe me honey, all of you must have seen his ideas in the media) and rich (as compared to other losers, again like me). He’s a confident, out of the closet, a celebrity blogger and has readership from at lest 78 countries spread across the globe. All the women who have just woken up the realization of the warm sensation of wetness in their panties, can go to the rest room and change into a fresh one. Sorry gals, this one’s queer.

Amazing resume, is it not? Who wouldn’t want to date this guy? Let me see, women who are into women (Why am I into lesbian bashing these days?) and losers like me who aren’t exactly into young bubbly buns. Even those who have come back to join us after their panties-change, would realize that they can harbor this vulgar desire despite a null chance to consummate their relationship.

So, this Mr. Perfect is finding it hard to find his prey in the dating pool in Mumbai. The people he is attracted to get more attracted to someone else. There is this amazing repetitiveness to this fact. The people who hit on him are generally the kind who belong to the broad category called ‘dumb morons’. Hence, there is no luck on that front as well. Believe me, he has done a lot of real-life hitting on (ie. At parties, treks and picnics) and nothing has led to anything yet. It’s ironic to note that when he came from Bangalore to Mumbai, it was mainly because he thought that Bangalore was such a lousy fuck in general. Mumbai seemed greener and it actually is. Hard luck for him as is evident in his last post on his blog.

So, what do y’all suggest? I suggested online personals and dating near strangers until he stumbled on the one that he’s going to be with for the rest of his life. I know I’m projecting my experience to everyone else’s (hopefully). But I thought it is worth a cheap-shot at least. He is so desperate that he’s planning to move back to Boston by the end of this year if he’s not getting lucky here.

Please pour in with your suggestions, tips and advice to Oprah, Oprah Winfrey show, California Chicago, USA. Also copy it on to the comments section and his blog here.

****UPDATED on Aug 26 at 11.00 pm due to popular request****

Our Mr. Perfect is Vikster (Vikram) and you can get in touch with him through his blog or his e-mail. I have corrected a few errors on the post as well.